


The Final Battle Motherf*****

by akpoptrash1



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, crackfic, i'm too tired for this, literally written in ten minutes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-24
Updated: 2015-04-24
Packaged: 2018-03-25 12:20:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3810187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akpoptrash1/pseuds/akpoptrash1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry Potter battles it out with Voldemort during the final battle. Things don't go as planned</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Final Battle Motherf*****

"Hogwarts is home to some of the brightest witches and wizards of this age. Too bad none of them are in this room."

"I object! I strongly object!"

"What the fuck, man?!"

Harry rolled his eyes and raised his hand to silence the small crowd gathered in the Room of Requirement. Voldemort was literally coming to attack their school and Lee Jordan had volunteered to give the, "We must be strong and fight" speech. What a great fucking idea.

"I think what Lee is trying to do is make you all angry so we can properly fight this bastard who thinks he is so cool that he needs a jacked name like 'Voldemort.' It's so lame. But we can fight him, and defend our school, because no one threatens Hogwarts!" Harry raised his fist in the air and smiled as everyone cheered.

Unfortunately, there was a sudden explosion and a few girls screamed. Everyone ran out of the room, ready to cut a bitch. In the main courtyard, however, McGonagall stood frozen. Everyone could see why.

Voldemort hadn't brought an army. He stood with just a few of his Death Eaters. But in front of them, with huge stereo and a microphone, was a heavy metal singer. It didn't matter who they were. It only mattered that their face held an evil smile.

The students stood their ground, wands raised. There was no way in hell they were going down without a fight. No fucking way.

"ARE YOU READY TO ROOOOOOOOOOCK?!?!" he screamed into the microphone. The students screamed and pushed their hands to their ears. It was a terrible, terrible sound. Like millions of dying unicorns. Voldemort and his Death Eaters looked to be laughing, wax in their ears.

"I SAID, ARE YOU READY TO ROOOOOOOOOOOOCK?!?!" he screamed again. Harry army crawled across the courtyard, trying to get to the heavy metal singer in time. He was sure that another blast of his screaming would render half the students deaf. And the one after that was sure to kill a few of them.

"SECTUMSEMPRA!" Harry cried. The heavy metal singer dropped the microphone, howling in pain from the deep gash in his hand. Voldemort ripped the wax out of his ears and all but ran towards him.

"Get up! Get up, Harry!" Hermione yelled. Harry staggered to his feet in time to stop Voldemort from running him over.

"The Boy who Lived," he sneered, holding up his wand.

"Tim Marvolo Riddle," he replied.

"It's not Tim! It's Tom! No, it's Voldemort. Fuck!"

Harry glanced over his shoulder at his fellow students and laughed. "Classic Tim."

As the others laughed, Voldemort's anger swelled.

"That's it! I challenge you to a lip sync battle!"

"Oh shit!"

"Potter doesn't stand a chance!"

"Tim is undefeated!"

"It's Tom you bastard!" Voldemort shouted. He then took a deep breath and smiled. "I'll go first."

Music started blaring and Voldemort started saying with the music. The students and Death Eaters formed a circle around the two of them. With a flick of his wrist, his wand transformed into a microphone.

"I'm doin' this tonight.

You're probably gonna start a fight.

I know this can't be right. 

Hey baby come on,

I loved you endlessly,

When you weren't there for me.

So now it's time to leave a make it alone

I know that I can't take no more

It ain't no lie

I wanna see you out that door

Baby, bye, bye, bye..."

Voldemort delivered the song flawlessly. Harry watched nervously. This was some really hard competition. He would have to dig deep and muster all that he was. It would take everything he was.

Harry waved his wand and he was holding a microphone. He began with a deep breath.

"This hit that ice cold 

Michelle Pfeiffer that white gold 

This one for the hood girls 

Them good girls 

Straight masterpieces

Harry danced and performed the song wonderfully. Everyone cheered for him.

He ended and Voldemort looked even angrier than before. This wasn't over, not yet.

Voldemort ripped off his robes, revealing shorts and a top. To everyone's surprise, he delivered the toughest blow anyone had ever seen.

"My anaconda don't, my anaconda don't

My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns Hun.

Boy toy named Troy used to live in Detroit..."

Voldemort started twerking with the song, and a few people fell to their knees in awe of the glory. Harry was sweating buckets. What could he possibly do that was better than that?

Voldemort finished and gestured to him. He hesitantly took a step forward and began.

"All the single ladies, all the single ladies

All the single ladies, all the single ladies

All the single ladies, all the single ladies

All the single ladies, now put your hands up!

Up in club, just broke up..."

Harry's performance was so breathtaking, so beautiful, that Beyonce herself appeared to praise him. Voldemort screamed and exploded into a cloud of glitter that rained down on the winner. 

Harry had done it. He had saved Hogwarts.


End file.
